I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
