if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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