He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
