I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
