When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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