His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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