Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
