How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
