Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize