Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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