I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
