So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
All the doctor said was why
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
