I think I died a long time ago.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
