he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
