i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
she peed on how many people?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
