The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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