she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
