Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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