what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
