I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
