She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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