Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
soo... how was my night?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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