i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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