There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
what day is it and did you see me today?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
