Got a toothbrush?
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
