Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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