Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
