Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
wrigley field is MILF paradise
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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