My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
