Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dick very happy bro
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
