Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
