I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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