I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
