she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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