how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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