my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
