Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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