I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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