I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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