proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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