i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
