Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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