You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
