Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
