Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
My feet surprised me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
