woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
