Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
