Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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