did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
