woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
