I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
