The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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