It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
50% drunk capacity currently
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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