you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
