so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
