So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Too much gin, very little bucket
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
