3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
