well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
