I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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