I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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