Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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