I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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