my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
