sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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