i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
