You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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