i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My cat gives me a boner
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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