Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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