Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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