I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize